Chips Guy: I hate you.

To the guy eating chips in the next cubicle,

OK, I like potato chips. Scratch that—I LOVE potato chips. As a matter of fact, if I had to list my top 10 favorite foods, potato chips would be on that list.

I especially love sour cream and onion chips. The ones with the ridges. Or the ketchup ones you can only find at a handful of places in the United States. I actually heard about steak-flavored chips on the radio this morning, and I look forward to trying those as well.

However, guy in the next cubicle, I have never, in my 31 years on this Earth, encountered someone who ate chips as much as you do.

Don’t get me wrong—I’d eat chips all day long if I could. I’d be even fatter than I am currently, but I get the attraction.

But chips are a very loud food. They are especially loud WHEN YOU DON’T CLOSE YOUR MOUTH AS YOU CHEW.

Guy in the next cubicle, I’m desperately trying to concentrate on writing dreadfully boring, optical-engineering related copy for our company’s new website. On 4 hours’ sleep. Shoving an entire handful of Lays in your trap—all day long—has a tendency to wear on my nerves, to say the least.

You’re certainly not a skinny guy, but that is beside the point. Again, I’d eat chips 24/7 if I were a size 0. But I have never met anyone on this planet who ACTUALLY eats chips 24/7. How many Costco-sized bags do you consume per day? You should monitor that.

I think if you were hot—like the guy 4 cubicles down from you—I admittedly probably wouldn’t be as annoyed. But aside from the chips, you remind me of a cross between Steve Urkel and Milton from Office Space. You snort up your snot and cough up phlegm every 3 minutes. Perhaps altering your diet would make you a smidge healthier? I’ve heard oranges are good to rid the body of phlegm. And they are quiet.

Fortunately, when we move into the new building, I will finally have my own office, where I will be able to write boring copy in peace. And you will be able to munch on those Pringles to your heart’s content without my wanting to stab you in the throat.

Sincerely,

Karen

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