Canker Sores.

My mouth feels as if it’s eating itself.

Anyone who gets canker sores knows what I mean.

For those who don’t know what they are, canker sores are basically mouth ulcers. Open sores. INSIDE YOUR MOUTH. Like, where you EAT and DRINK.

Sometimes, I find myself wondering, “Is there really a higher power?” Because if there is, he must be one sick puppy to have invented things like cancer, tornadoes, AIDS, earthquakes, and canker sores.

I know, I know…canker sores do not compare to the devastating effects of the other listed horrible things. And yes, I suppose I’d rather have canker sores than be diagnosed with some horrendous, fatal illness.

But c’mon–they still suck.

There is no cure for them. There is no real relief for them, either. They are apparently hereditary to some degree. But neither my mother nor my father had them, and they don’t remember anyone else in the family having them, either. Yet, I get them pretty much constantly.

Yes, you read that right..gaping sores…in my mouth…CONSTANTLY.

Yet another reason why I must be adopted.

Anything even remotely acidic feels like you gargled with gasoline and tried to eat a blow torch.  And when you get “only” one, it’s at least somewhat tolerable. But I oftentimes get two or more. AT THE SAME TIME. And if that’s the case, you can bet your behind that I have them on opposite sides of my mouth so that chewing anything at all is pretty much an impossible task. You’d think I’d actually would lose some weight from lack of eating during these times, but no–I find a way to make it work and I remain…well…fat.

And then, because I’m paranoid, I always think that THIS time, it HAS to be oral cancer. This is what freak jobs like me worry about. Canker sores being cancer. You haven’t died from them yet, moron. You’d think I’d learn.

I’ve looked up all these stupid so-called “cures.” Apparently something called alum powder is supposed to do the trick. You get a canker sore, you dip a q-tip in some water and then in the alum, and put it on the canker sore. According to internet sources, it hurts so bad for about 30 seconds that you’re about ready to blow your brains out, but once that subsides, it supposedly puts some sort of barrier on the canker sore. The problem is that I stupidly just deal with the canker sore and never order any alum and you can’t find it anywhere but the internet.

Then there’s that ambesol stuff.  But it tastes gross. And then it numbs your mouth. Thanks, but I’d like to feel my mouth once in a while, just not the canker sore. I JUST WANT TO EAT MY BREAKFAST. AND TASTE IT. AND NOT DROOL IT OUT.

And then there’s enlarged taste buds, otherwise known as tongue canker sores. Which I also have. Right now. With the two canker sores also in my mouth. On the opposite sides. And yes, it feels as if I’m swishing around a hive of angry hornets.

So yes, I’m a tad bit ornery right now.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to order some alum now from Amazon and hope that I don’t blow my brains out the next time I have a freakish mouth ulcer.

For the record, the picture below is a canker sore, for those lucky bastards who never get them. That is not my mouth, however. I’m prettier than that and so is my mouth, cankers and all. That is an image I stole off of the internet. If anyone tries to sue me for stealing this photo, well…I hope you actually do swish around a hive of angry hornets.


1 Comment

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One response to “Canker Sores.

  1. Danielle

    I can totally sympathize, Karen. I went through a stretch where I would get cankers all the time, usually more than one and on my tongue too. For whatever reason, I get them far less frequently now and I have no idea why. Hopefully yours will get better on their own. I’ve tried some of those home remedies too, but for my money nothing works better than salt water. It really does help them heal up.

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