People who believe that the end of the World is coming this December. Knock it off.

Are you people serious?

If you’re basing this assumption on how the Mayan calendar stopped, this theory has since been disproven. If you don’t believe me, look it up.

And even if you DID believe the end of the world was going to happen when the Mayan calendar stopped, why the hell would you believe the Mayans anyway? What made them some leading authority on knowing when the end of the world would occur?

It’s a known fact that the Mayans liked to toke it up quite a bit with different forms of hallucinogenic drugs. Most people don’t exactly make their best decisions while they’re trippin’. I remember I was high when I had my Lasik eye surgery. Side note: valium is a wonderful drug. They shot a laser in my eye and I didn’t give a damn. In fact, I laughed as they were doing it. The doctor had to tell me to shut up. That’s a good product right there.

Anyway, I digress. My point is that they were probably just too busy getting high on shrooms and weed and they forgot to update their calendars for a few weeks. When someone sobered up enough to realize it, it was obviously too late to check the moons and high tides of the past few weeks so they just said, “Eh, screw it. Let’s just make a NEW calendar and we’ll forget this.”

Now, when the invaders came in and killed off most of the Mayans, they didn’t know how to read their language. So they found something that looked like a calendar and said, “This looks cool. Let’s take this back to our people.” Well, their people just did some really bad interpretation of the calendar and figured out that it said the end of the world would be on December 21, 2012. But they were all like, “Who gives a damn? That’s hundreds of years away from now. We got nothin’ to worry about. Eat, drink and be merry!”

Turns out, it probably wasn’t a calendar after all. I think it was some sort of early Craps table or Monopoly game.

Now, even if you don’t believe my theory, and the end of days happens to come on 12/21/12 after all, what the HELL are you going to do about it? You going to go fly up into outer space and bomb the asteroid that’s going to hit the planet? You going to go talk to that crazy guy Ahmadinejad in Iran and say, “Oh please, sir–don’t make any nuclear weapons. You’ll kill us all on 12/21/12!”?

Seriously–knock it off. You’re scaring people who would normally be at least somewhat reasonable and sane. I watch shows about idiots who preserve hundreds of jars of strawberry jam and ham hocks and spend millions of dollars building apocalypse-proof homes inside of mountains. Whatcha gonna eat with the ham hocks run out, moron? You’re just prolonging your life for a couple of years while the rest of us die in a fiery blaze of glory immediately. Sounds like a good time living in a mountain eating jam by the spoonful while society burns around you.

So hit up the confessional on December 20 so that the big guy upstairs forgives you if anything does happen, and then chill out. Live it up a little. Eat some prime rib and enjoy an expensive pinot noir.

And then when you wake up on the 22nd, you’re going to feel like a complete idiot for thinking  all that was gonna happen in the first place. And if you don’t, and the world actually DOES come to an end, well…who cares? You’ll be burnt to death lying in some massive crater and my blog is the last thing you’ll be thinking about.

Eat, drink and be merry.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “People who believe that the end of the World is coming this December. Knock it off.

  1. Kerry Ann Kiley

    Love your blog!

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